I had three different people ask me yesterday if I was okay.
I must be sending out this vibe without even know it – that not all is well with Cheryl.
The last few posts I have had a standard moan at the moment of feelings of overwhelms, tiredness and basically at my tether with adulting.
Can there really be a point of not being able to adult? I don’t know.
Most days, I awake and take in that deep breath to start the day that I know will be another hectic one. Most days, I smile in the face of this and really try, like really try to get on with it. I don’t want to give more fuel to the fire of lostness that I already feel. But this hill, which feels like a mountain and I am the ant seems to be getting higher and higher, I can’t even get my legs to stand me up so I can start the long walk to the top
Maybe its just that time of year – where Summer brings out that beautiful buzz of activity. Where the days are longer, the sun is out and it is the season where it is “all things go”. Where my calendar doesn’t have a “free day” until April, or maybe its because I am coming home mentally drained every day and being Mother and Wife just morphs into stuff that I could usually handle but now my cup is overfilling and I cannot right now.
Maybe it’s the lack of sleep that I am not getting. Or maybe because soon it will be one year since my friends passed away and the grief is still the same.
I don’t know.
And my silver lining, my light at the end of the tunnel is my next trip to beautiful Bali. Where I will see lovely, beautiful friends who will hug me and talk to me and I can sit in a little Warung with them and order some Nasi , fresh deep fried fish topped with basil and chilli, sitting on plastic chairs in a makeshift kitchen and sipping on Bin Tang, smelling the incense burning from their Hindu offering.
This is what is keeping me going at the moment. The thought of watching Geckos crawling up the walls of our hotel room at sunrise while I take a mouthful coffee. The sound of pathways being swept so they are clear of Frangipanis that have fallen off the trees during the night. The occasional noise of a motorbike going down a laneway at 5.30am. Wandering down to the beach to sit on a colourful beanbag to take in yet another amazing sunset. Smiling to the stall holders each morning when they try to sell me a sarong for “morning price”. Jumping into a taxi to check out somewhere new after chatting to a new stranger/friend at a restaurant. Walking down the street at 10pm to have an hours foot massage before bed as a nightcap. Licking my lips at the thought of the delicious fresh food that I will devour. Taking in the atmosphere and people watching - the people watching is amazing.
This. Is what’s keeping me going.
Video Credit - The amazing photographer https://www.facebook.com/michaelmattiphotography/?fref=ts